In Search of Humanity

It would be nice to make a real connection with someone. I always wanted to be the person who knew the people who worked at the corner market-- who was known by name by the Chinese food delivery guy. The girl who would ask the gas station attendent about his family.

Instead, I slip by quietly, not remembered the next day.

Last night was interesting. At the hotel I work at there were some folks having a big party with a dance floor, and my group was invited to come over and hang out. I don't know what it is, but I cannot dance in front of people. Sure, give me enough to drink, and I'll be out ont he dance floor, but even then, I'l only be there for a few minutes before going back to my seat. As long as other people are having a good time, I'm completely content to sit and read. But I get seriously stressed at the thought of being on the dance floor in front of others. So, I snuck out when my friends were talking and sat down outside to read, pleased to be away from the awkwardness.

There are few things in life that I positively cannot stand, but standing around awkwardly is one of them. I have serious issues when it comes to that, and I'm not entirely sure why. I just freeze up, and have to leave the situtation. I wasn't trying to get attention, I just seriously wanted to be left alone. I LOVE to dance, but if I'm in front of other people as I was last night, the thought of being in that room left me slightly freaking out. I don't know how to dance well, and putting myself on display like that feels completely humiliating.

Three of my friends came out to find me and try to get me and that humiliated me further, because I felt as though they weren't having a good time because they were thinking about me. And, honestly, I'm used to not being remembered by people. I'm perfectly content to sit back and be behind the scenes making sure that everyone else is taken care of. As long as they're happy, I'm fine.

They insisted that they were going to leave if I didn't come out, so I came for one song, and just freaked. And instead of just letting me be, they insisted that I actually dance. And when I stood to the side, they decided they would actually dance next to me. I was so relieved when one of my friends realized how truly stressed I was, and said it was fine if I wanted to leave.

I honestly DO love to dance. But something about dancing on a dance floor like that triggers something in my brain that is not happy. At all. I have gone out dancing before, but it's not my idea of a great time. Hopefully one day someone will actually teach me how to not look like a complete fool.

I'm so tired of feeling awkward and inferior. Damn lack of self-confidence. About just about anything. haha. I MUCH prefer to be behind the scenes making sure that everything is going smoothly.

Regardless, I need to stop venting about this, and start cleaning my kitchen. MRNO has promised to make stew. yay!! Hopefully when he gets home the kitchen will be more usable for him.

Haha... .looking at what I had titled this post, I realize that this particular post was supposed to be about something else entirely. Maybe one day I'll actually broach that topic. In the meantime....

Happy Sunday! Happy thoughts. :)